Scars of my own Reality

Confidence is the ability to trust your instincts & adapt to the environment. It helps you make well informed decisions & allows you to pull the trigger when necessary. When your belief system starts to fail...You have nothing else to fall upon...A fragile state indeed.

Surrounded in a world that revolves around incomplete information it is probably not in my best interest to publish this, but it is a something that I need to get off of my chest. This is a very difficult subject for me to talk about let alone write about. For those who don’t know me or at least know me well, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in late 2007 & it seems as my entire life had come crashing down. The change in day to day emotions can be quite brutal & take not just a mental but also a physical toll on me. It had become exhausting & yet I have somehow allowed it to get the best of me, to define who I am. My soul swims deep in the recesses of depression all while my physical being lives life on the edge of insanity. My decision making is questionable, even highly irrational to those who are coined “normal” but there is a method to my madness. I have multiple levels of sickness & they each have their own varying degrees. There are neither regrets nor am I ever looking back. Can’t stop won’t stop. It’s how I am wired & oddly I can’t be convinced otherwise. I try to live life in the present & forget the past. What has been done is done & I know that history cannot be erased. All I can do is continue to move forward. & be the absolute best person I can be. In the past I have habitually put myself in situations where failure seems to be my only option. Where no matter what level of talent I may possess, where talent or skill is more insignificant than the other variables that exist that weigh so heavily against me in my current frame of mind that I have absolutely no shot of not only achieving my expectations, but even worse damaging my belief system to a level that only leads to further self destruction. My self-confidence was shattered. My belief system was non-existent. The amount of stress that I had created in order to achieve success or meet my expectations brought my anxiety level to a whole new level of unbearable. In the past, the only way I know how to cope with anxiety was to hinder it with any available drug that will at least temporarily numb the pain. In the midst of this, I suddenly then realized that I do not have any established goals. Where was I going in life & how was I going to get there? What do I want for myself? These are legitimate questions that I have yet to answer. I had failed to plan. It just all seemed trivial at the time but one thing as I get older I realize the traits of successful individuals. There is no specific formula yet there are attributes & intangible qualities that are engrained in successful individuals. Its hard work & these attributes are employed on a daily basis toward the achievement of those goals. I will learn more from our failures than our successes. I have to continue to fight & never give up. I am OI & have fucking had enough. I’ve had enough with others mistaking my kindness for weakness. I’ve had enough with self-destruction, self-pity, & allowing this disease to define me as an individual. No more. I owe this to myself & no one else. It’s time to take accountability for my own actions. To become a responsible individual & to drain my soul of the degeneracy’s that have brought me down to a level of desperation & undesirability. Only I can make the necessary changes in my life to achieve the goals that I desire & surround myself with those who I know who love & care about me the most as well as vice versa. I have recently made some life changing decisions to make a lifestyle change toward a new & healthier me. I decided to join a gym & have made the commitment to myself to take my physical & mental health more of a priority. My goal is simply to become a better more well rounded as well as a more positive & inspirational person. Become a better person today than I was the day before. I am on a mission. I am coming after everyone & everything. All the money is in plain sight. BlakeB0921, CT3, 1$D, Big $ick, TheChoff, Ty Dean, Ryan Lenaghan, Ashly Butler, Jared Ingles, Benton Blakeman & Jacob Naquin. Lets fucking go!#WhereI’mGoin